High Functioning Anxiety 4

Wednesday again? It scares me how fast time goes. My 29th birthday is tomorrow… I actually remember a dark point in my life where I decided for myself that if I wasn’t happy by the time I was 30, I would end my life. I think I defined happy more so in terms of having my anxiety manageable. Most days I think I accomplished this, but there are some slip ups.

I did actually swim laps for the first time in a while on Monday, which is always an ordeal for me. I love Duquesne University for the most part, but I absolutely hate the way that their pool is set up. Definitely does not cater to those with anxiety, let me tell you. Though, I know they didn’t do it on purpose.

So the pool where you can swim laps isn’t actually located in the gym. It’s in a dorm building. There are only random times that you can go, for example, Tuesdays it’s 11 am to 12 pm or 6 to 9 pm, and because I have night classes, that severely limits the time when I can go. I have to plan my day around that because swimming is the only exercise I don’t hate. There are only 6 lanes, so when I go, I’m always worried I will have to share a lane with someone, which only happened once in the 1.5 years I’ve been at Duquesne. Then there’s the issue that I like using my snorkel so I don’t have to come up to breathe because my ears always get clogged/hurt. Some other people use snorkels too, but I’m just embarrassed. But the absolute worst thing is that there is literally only one bathroom with a shower that I can use to change/wash my hair after! So if there is another female in the pool, I’m always worried that we will finish at the same time and that I’ll have to wait to get ready or that I’ll have to be undressed with someone in this small dinky bathroom. Sigh. So inconvenient, but I’m pushing myself to not stop swimming laps just because of that. It’s hard though. I do notice when I’ve been swimming consistently for a couple weeks I do sleep better and my anxiety isn’t quite as bad… it’s a good grounding exercise for me because I can hear and feel myself breathing and it gets me “back into my body” safely, in a way. So I’ll keep trying.

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