Not a good day today or a good week. I co-teach on Mondays and my anxiety is getting the best of me. I don’t normally walk into the classroom anxious, but when I go to speak I’m not really sure what happens. I feel like I ramble and what I say doesn’t make sense and I hate myself for it. My anxiety has been more or less under control for quite some time… without medication. Maybe it’s doing something new, a new role, new people, I don’t know.
I’m not sure where this is coming from because I normally can run therapy groups at my job (drug and alcohol rehab inpatient center) without much flare up of my anxiety. And the class I’m helping with is addictions! So you’d think I’d be more comfortable, but that hasn’t been the case unfortunately. I left Monday’s class with an intense headache and my mouth dry and I hadn’t even presented a full lesson yet. I do this upcoming Monday. Yikes.
I think this is going to be bad. I’m trying to take steps to take care of myself, but it’s just really hard. I swam Monday, but as stated in my previous entry, that brings up other anxieties and things that make me uncomfortable. And I haven’t been sleeping well lately because, well, I never do, but in the past few days my father decided to remodel the bathroom and work on it between 7-10 am (most of my classes/work/activities are at night). The bathroom he has been working on is right on the other side of my bedroom wall. I asked him not to do it so early (he doesn’t work), and he does it anyway, but that’s another story.
Sleep is such a huge thing. I never sleep well. And the rare occasions when I do, it’s like I feel so much more grounded, better able to focus, and less anxious. So I try to prioritize my self-care, but it’s very hard when other people in your living situation are not quite as considerate as they might be. Oh well. It throws off my whole day, which is most days. I wake dreading the tasks before me, nameless fears, sometimes specific ones that I won’t do a good job at this or that, but it’s just an overall feeling of doom and unease to varying degrees. I find that it’s lessened, though, when I do get adequate deep sleep. Maybe next week I’ll write some about my night terrors and sleep paralysis.