Soooo my anxiety inevitably affects my dreams. Thursday night into Friday I stayed up until 3 am working on converting the references in a book chapter I helped write from APA to Chicago Style. Not the most fun task, but it had to be done. That night I had a very vivid dream, which hasn’t happened to me in a while, likely because my anxiety prevents me from sleeping well.
Anyway, I dreamt that my boss (of my graduate assistantship whom I was converting references for) and I were in class. She was teaching the class, and some of the regular people in my cohort were attending as well as some other people I didn’t recognize. I was walking in and had these huge clumsy boots on. I kept tripping over myself, knocking over chairs. During class I somehow fell out of my chair because of the awkardness of these boots and she snapped “one more time and you’re out,” and continued teaching. I had a vivid panic attack in the classroom, feeling like everyone was looking at me. My hands were shaking, I had bright red nail polish on, my head hurt, my vision narrowed and focused only on my fingers/forearms in front of me as I straddled the chair, as it was facing away from where she was speaking ( I turned myself toward her, not the chair, because my boots made me knock it over when I tried to turn the chair toward the front of the classroom because I was situated at a table facing away from the whiteboard). It never occurred to me to take off the boots.
The next scene was a huge museum full of various interactive displays. At first it was just her and I perusing the displays with no one else around, but then she decided to try this teleportation machine. She got into it without fear, it looked like a roller coaster seat with a lap bar except you were sort of laying back and reclined. A crowd gathered in the museum around the exhibit. Then you had to lift your arms and legs up, sort of like a dead bug pose. She was able to teleport on her first try, vanished, then returned… and I couldn’t do it and gave up.
I think it fits that I had these dreams after I spent 4 hours scrambling to get something done before a deadline and worrying about failing. I always feel like I’m stumbling around without much grace, but I don’t see any simple solution like taking the boots off. I also think the dream represents me not feeling like an equal yet when it comes to people who already have their PhDs and I’m so worried about doing something stupid, irreparable, or screwing up royally. That’s the main points I derived. I’ll try to remember my dreams and jot them down if I wake up at night.