The last week or so has been pretty miserable for me. I find one of my trauma/anxiety/whatever is wrong with me triggers is feeling like I can’t say no to something or being so stressed and confused to the max to where I can’t make good decisions or feeling forced into something. That has been coming up in a variety of ways recently and I haven’t been dealing with any of the situations particularly well. I was so upset on Sunday I actually made myself sick and have been taking Sudafed and NyQuil for the past few days … all congested. That was a first for me, panicking/crying to the point of making myself ill for days after. Anyway, after having a lot of situations in my life where I felt helpless, like I had no control, that there was nothing I can do … I now find myself unable to make decisions. I second guess everything, will change my mind multiple times a day, become frustrated when just trying to decide what to wear (as an aside, I don’t like how I look), but anyway, just basic living sometimes becomes a chore when you feel like every decision you make backfires, hurts someone else, or eventually comes back to hurt you. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, like I can’t do anything and I just become so overwhelmed that I want to sleep all day. I’ve allowed myself to succumb to that a few times lately… just doing the bare minimum to scrape by. But I have been trying to take better care of myself by exercising, attending therapy more, etc. I’m trying not to blame myself for things I had no control over, but everything becomes hard for me to deal with when I’m so terrified of doing something that is irreparable or something. I don’t know. I try my very best to be honest about everything, but sometimes that doesn’t even help and I realize that I sometimes dig myself a hole I can’t get out of, even when I’m currently trying to make things better. I don’t know.
One recent thing that has been weighing on me is described below.
I received an email from my boss saying that we were accepted to present a poster at a conference across the state in Phili (I’m in Pittsburgh), something I should be excited about, happy about, but the anxiety I feel isn’t the excited-happy-anticipatory type. Thinking about making the drive alone, spending money that I’m anxious about spending when I have to pay for classes, applying for funding, presenting the poster by myself when I didn’t conduct the research myself… all of that consumed me and paralyzed me so I couldn’t respond to the email right away and just thought that I would talk to her about it in person. But eventually I sent the email explaining my financial situation and not having a car at my disposal to make the trip. Sigh. I feel bad, it should be a fun and exciting career building thing, but so many factors make “normal” things scary for me, even if on the outside I look like I’m holding things together well. I don’t want to go, but it has nothing to do with not being interested or being a hard worker. My chest hurts… and even if I end up going to this conference at the end of June, I’m already feeling anxiety about it NOW. In February. I don’t know if it was the wording of the email: “you will be presenting” sounding final, as if I do not have a choice. I don’t know, and the feeling of being trapped and not having choices has been coming up for me a lot lately. Also, the thought of me presenting something I am not familiar with created immense fear, as it usually does. Mostly, though, it is driving in an unfamiliar city alone and worrying about getting stranded if my car doesn’t make it or in a car accident if I panic.
No entry for next week, but I’ll try to resume after my spring break trip … hopefully after doing some much needed self-acceptance readings that I’m taking along and will try to get through in between searching for sea critters.