Feeling upside down today.
My anxiety has been relatively calm since I returned from Belize, so I am not sure what, if anything, spurred this. I spoke with my therapist about my dream this morning. I had the sensation that it was a long and involved dream, but here are the bits I remember:
I was sitting on a bed with my grandma next to me and she all of a sudden was ripped away (trying to hold on to the bed) by some evil presence I couldn’t see, but knew was there. It physically was dragging her. It occurred to me to physically try to fight it, so I did, but it didn’t help. It was very vivid. I could feel my nails catching on something sort of like skin, but the thing taking my grandma was invisible. The other clip I remember was that my boxing gloves were slashed/ruined and I felt responsible for it, though I don’t know how it happened. I woke up terrified and feeling like something was in the room with me… and having some type of spirit connection I thought there might be so I prayed, which usually helps, but it didn’t last night. I’ve had dreams with much worse/more sinister content and was able to calm down and go back to sleep just fine. I don’t know what was so bad about this one.
My therapist asked me what sort of characteristics my grandma had (she has passed) that come to mind. I said she is smart, caring, brave, resourceful, self-reliant, and strong. My therapist suggested that maybe there is some internal battle going on inside me, that she thinks is a good thing, because it means that I’m changing, in that I’m trying to be true to myself, more like the qualities I saw in my grandma, but that something within me is pulling me back and doesn’t think that her and I should “sit on the same level” or bed, just yet. I sort of subscribe to that. I’ve started to try not to beat myself up for my current circumstances or things that I don’t like about my current situation and just try to accept conflicting ideas or feelings that I have as they come, while trying to act in the best way possible that mirrors what I really value… but maybe the dream represented how I still feel unable to do those things, and even though I was proud of myself for starting to learn Muay Thai, I still unconsciously feel like I can’t do it and that I ruin everything (hence the slashed gloves). Idk. This was interesting to me because I haven’t felt so unsafe at night in a long long time so I’m not sure what spurred it.