It’s Wednesday again, huh? Not really sure what to write. I’ve been keeping up with school work, just doing the minimum, which is what I can manage right now. And I’m kind of ok with that. My current circumstances have allowed me to take better care of myself and I’m grateful for that.
I did, however, have an insane gluten-related flare up over the past couple days that has been extremely painful, but entirely my fault. I think it’s waning now. Thank God. Any other people struggling with panic/anxiety/trauma also have gluten sensitivity? Seems like a lot of us do. Anyhow, my dad is diagnosed with Celiacs, I am not, but I’m certain I have a gluten-sensitivity at the very least. Over the weekend I had the bright idea to eat pizza (a lot of it) 2 days in a row. It was mighty tasty, don’t get me wrong, but by Monday I had numerous un-fun bathroom experiences and it felt as though I was being stabbed/gutted and my joints hurt and I was bloaty and it was all sorts of awful. I did take Advil, which seemed to help with the inflammation/pain, but… yeah… it’s the universe telling me to take better care of myself, I suppose. When I don’t have much gluten for a while, and my body feels good, I trick myself into thinking I can throw caution to the wind. My bad. But oh how I love pizza and pasta.
I think too this is nature’s way of making sure I don’t become morbidly obese, honestly. I have had issues with my weight/eating for a long time due to being in dance when I younger (your body is always scrutinized), being anxious, and simply using food as a comfort. I also think I unconsciously sometimes think that getting fat will make me unattractive so then I’ll no longer have to worry about relationships/being attractive? If that makes sense. Like I’ll just preemptively stop any pain or heartache by making sure no one will like me. Or something. Binge eating hasn’t been as big of an issue for me lately, though it does occur a few times a month when I am stressed or over-thinking/obsessing about something. Usually it’s sweets orrr greasy ass food. I feel awful after, plan to work out, feel guilty etc… but in the moment I sometimes feel better. Even if on the outside I don’t look like someone who struggles with overeating, it doesn’t mean that I don’t. Just because I’m not on 600 pound life, doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my eating habits, and I find it frustrating when people act as if I’m “too thin” to have issues like this. Whatever. Anyone can have a problematic/love-hate relationship with food regardless of their size and I think especially people prone to anxiety are especially susceptible. Mindful eating sometimes helps, but honestly the best thing for me is just being physically active. When regularly work out, it usually doesn’t even occur to me to over eat. And with how painful this recent flare up has been… I really have apologized to myself and want to do better.