Well erm… Thursday. This is as close as I got to taking a selfie I didn’t hate, so I guess it’s better than nothing. I did see one of my favorite books of all time (Jane Eyre) as a play yesterday … so that was a major plus, even though my heart was palpitating all the way through it. I do relate very much with Jane, even though I’m not an orphan. I’ve often felt very alone growing up and having to deal with a lot of things on my own. I had parents, but never felt them as “present” in my life or much engaged with me, maybe that’s why I turned to writing so much and have volumes of useless journals/writing now. Likely.
It’s funny that I renamed this weekly deal “Wellness Wednesday,” when it’s not Wednesday anymore and I don’t feel well at all. I’m pretty sure I’m slipping into a depression, and though I am trying hard to balance fighting it and taking care of myself/relaxing… it’s hard. Because I just want to sleep all day and I have zero motivation to do anything. I never feel like I have enough time to really start or work on a project for school and when I feel like I don’t get enough sleep/rest my anxiety goes through the roof and I feel dizzy and shaky. I have been trying to exercise… well, I went to the gym to box/learn Muay Thai with my cohort member Tuesday and I really wasn’t feeling up to it, but I still tried. I was more self-conscious that day at the gym than I had been in a while, so that stole some enjoyment for me. It probably wasn’t the best timing that a random girl wanted to like, tech spar with me… but I still tried it and probably looked like an idiot. I don’t know. When I’m like this it just takes so much energy to get out of bed and make myself presentable to go to work or class.
I do wish I had better tips this week, but battling anxiety that often manifests as depression is no joke. I wish I could say just force yourself to do things and it’ll get better, but it might not. I know I feel better when I exercise but sometimes exercising just makes me feel worse because my body feels slow, heavy, fat, sluggish, clumsy, the last thing I want to do sometimes is bring that even more to my attention. So I get it. When not much feels good to you, exercising might not either, but at least giving it a try will hopefully boost your self-respect a little if nothing else, that at least you tried. And on days that you can’t get out of bed, you’ll recognize that you did go to the gym recently and it is possible to do, even if not today.
High functioning anxiety always leads me to feel like I live a double life. People see what I am able to present, but I don’t feel like they actually know the real me. That’s an entirely different struggle, maybe I’ll save that for next week.