This new title of “Wellness Wednesdays” seems more hypocritical each week as my anxiety gets worse and I continue to overeat and workout less. But maybe I do have more reason than normal to have my anxiety activated this week at least. I went to a conference over the weekend and presented. While my presentation went well overall, my co-presenters didn’t time manage as best as they could, so when it was my turn I knew I would not be able to cover everything I had prepared. I felt rushed and felt myself mounting toward a panic attack at the end because one of my mentors from my master’s program was in the audience, and I didn’t think I did as well as I could have. I felt like it would have just been the same if I hadn’t come at all. So maybe that tipped my anxiety this week to be more unmanageable, which leads to more anxiety/obsessive thoughts/overeating. I’m not sure. Sometimes it takes a very long time for my nervous system to sort of “return to normal.” I jumped out of my skin Monday when a professor called my name… I often have heightened startle responses, but this time it was much worse. I am continuing to read Radical Acceptance, which helps me sometimes.
Fear is the anticipation of future pain.
Maybe next week I’ll focus on fears.
I actually didn’t box yesterday, even though my boxing partner went to the gym. I am disappointed with myself for bailing. Usually I try to force myself to do it, because I know I feel better afterward. But this week I think it would have just been too obvious that I wasn’t with it and was depressed and too self-conscious to really pay attention, so I thought it would be better if I just didn’t go. When I feel this bad about myself I’ll just be mopey and self-loathing is all I can focus on. I won’t enjoy myself and with learning Muay Thai, I actually might get hurt. So yesterday I think was one of those days where it may have been worse for me to go. Plus, another girl is starting to train with us and I just didn’t want to have to explain being withdrawn. Oh well. I am going to try to swim laps tomorrow to hopefully get myself back on track with exercising and not overeating, but nothing has really seemed to work lately and I haven’t made any progress. I did wake up feeling refreshed today, and actually slept well for the first time in a while. I sort of forget how much my inability to sleep well affects my anxiety/mood… but I’m not sure what else I can do about that. I’ve never really slept well and have tried a variety of different things to help… less screen time before bed, breathing exercises, Melatonin, guided imagery… I don’t know.
I was going to try to post a selfie today, but I didn’t feel like taking my picture. So the picture above is a recent photo of myself that I don’t hate, so I figured that’s better than nothing. I don’t know if I have any tips really today because I’m feeling pretty low due to a lot of things in my life, but I guess my tip would just be that it’s ok to give yourself permission to not work out if the thought of it feels so vile to you and the thought alone makes you feel worse about yourself… exercising should not be a punishment for overeating or something. That cycle is awful, and I’ve been in that binge eat/exercise like crazy cycle before. It’s insanity, so try to notice if you’re falling into it. Exercising for me yesterday I think would have just fueled self-loathing in a way, so I chose not to. If you feel that bad, allow yourself to curl up in bed instead if that’s what you need.