A Companion

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For as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted a companion, romantic feelings not required, but would be nice. I don’t feel as though I have been really known by my family. They seemed to have been too busy with their own lives to take the time to get to know what is in my head. I guess that’s just part of the universal human experience though: the desire to be known, the desire for attention, the desire for another person to take an interest to try to find out what’s inside your head when sometimes you, yourself don’t really know.  I’m not sure if this desire for a deep connection was born in me at my conception, or if my environment produced it. I don’t know that the desire’s origin matters, what matters is that the desire for deep connection remains. That is part of the existential crisis and tragedy of human existence I suppose. People want connection and stability, but just living means change and instability … though I try to create stability for myself. It frustrates me when people are so inconstant. People tend to come and go. And it’s hard to look back and recognize that I used to be close with a person, completely comfortable around them … but now, I would feel awkward if we went out to lunch. I envy people who have any type of stable figure in their family. In my experience, love is absolutely conditional, and can be taken away, attention and affection withheld at any slight transgression. It’s hard to form connections with those types of messages ingrained within.

But you can’t force connection and you can’t hurry it. Time does seem to go so fast though, that I do worry about it. I always had this fantasy in my head, not unlike a Disney movie, that I might find someone to spend my life with early on and have a lot of close friends to confide in. Now I’m 29. Friends I deem worthy of trust are miles away and most of the plans I had in my head have not come to fruition, likely through little fault of my own and mostly due to simply circumstance. I’m not really sure what this post is about, but if you feel close with someone, even “just a friend,” cherish it. A friend is a good thing to have. Not everyone has a true friend who knows their inner thoughts and personality. Don’t take it for granted. Even if friends turn out to be temporary, enjoy the closeness while it lasts, because nothing is promised or owed to you. I have to work on becoming more comfortable with change and flux and the idea that that will be the norm during my life. There will always be something for me to worry about if I look for it. I could choose to spend my time worrying about when something with a friend or lover won’t work out, but then I will miss enjoying what I do have. Also, I should learn to not place other’s on pedestals, and not assume that other people have more connection than I do. Don’t pretend that you know that someone else’s life, in any capacity, is any better than yours. Try instead to look at your own life and what you’d like to improve that is in your control. I need to work on that myself, I’m sure everyone can.

It’s hard to find friends as adults. When everyone is so busy and often has families of their own and their established group of friends. Most people I meet don’t seem to want to go on hikes or talk for hours … but that’s the type of people I like, even if they’re harder to find.

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