I did swim a few laps, but not as much as I normally do. I headed to the park after having a videochat session with my therapist. The session was good, I am doing much better with working on not letting other people’s negativity take away my inner peace. However, I didn’t get much joy from being outside today, though by all accounts it was a beautiful day. Maybe I’m down because still no creative writing inspiration is coming to me.
I was reminded of something a colleague said, at the drug and alcohol rehab center I work at. He said that addicts want every day to blow their mind spiritually, to have an intense experience, otherwise they think it “sucks.” They want to get high on life when they can’t have their drug of choice. Now, I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but have been known to binge eat every now and then. So… this applies. My melancholy today is potentially my addictive mindset peaking through. I have stayed away from binge eating sugary things lately. I do crave intense experiences though, which may be related… because that’s how I tend to feel anything at all (whitewater rafting, driving fast, etc). I, like any type of addict, need to learn to be “ok” with just being “ok.” I need to learn to be content.
At the same time, reading Man’s Search for Meaning may not have been the most uplifting of choices. LOL. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. Sometimes I find that works that are meant to be “inspirational” leave me feeling worse off because I think to myself wow… Frankl went through something horrendous. Not only did he survive, but found meaning during it. And here I am struggling with depression and anxiety when all my basic needs are WAY beyond met. I take responsibility for thinking of things this way, but it is oftentimes automatically what happens. I’m like, gee Natalie… uh, get it together.
Eternal Ocean of Words 