On the eve of my final semester of classes for my doctorate program, er … It’s not even evening yet. It’s the afternoon. Anyway, I’m already plagued with a right chest and worried about making a fool of myself and already thinking that I’m doing something wrong or forgot to do something or will be unable to do something. It’s all familiar but that knowledge doesn’t seem to lessen the intensity.
I’ve always forced myself to just keep going. And in reality there are very few school related things that I have failed at. Still, anxiety persists. At least a sort or end is in sight for this particular type of anxiety. I haven’t been sleeping well and that too exacerbates my anxiety. I catastrophize and think that maybe some day it’ll just take over and I won’t be able to do much of anything. It has gotten to that point years ago, not lately, but that thought is always lurking. Fighting it is a daily battle that sometimes I’m just to exhausted to partake in. I wish I could always be excited about the positive things in my life, like higher education, but oftentimes I’m stuck focusing on how much worry it causes me.
Writing out my thoughts sometimes helps a little bit, even of the anxious feelings and sensations don’t completely go away. Hopefully I’ll find a groove for this semester and just keep my head down to get through
- Comprehensive Exams
- Dissertation Proposal
- Finishing Internship
- IRB Position
Thinking about it all at once makes my head spin, but I have completed a masters thesis and know the IRB process and will even be assistant to the chair this year. All good things to be stressed about, even if it doesn’t feel helpful to think that way in the moment. Anyway, hope all my readers are well.