Not doing much better since my post last night, but I do try to hang on to the fact that there are some days that I do well and that when some things in my life straighten out over the next year or so I’ll probably be better able to take care of myself. I know it’s not right to live your life in the future, but sometimes that’s what you need to hold on to to have hope. The hope that things can be better and the belief that you are capable of doing something different in the future, even if you currently don’t feel capable to make a change.
It’s crazy how there is often such a stark contrast between my days that I feel trauma activated and the days that I don’t. The days where I deal with dissociation and the days that I don’t. The bad days can certainly overshadow the good sometimes, and it’s hard to remember that I don’t always feel the way that I currently do. It’s frustrating to have an ongoing battle that can’t just be “done” even if it is very much improved from how it used to be. In those moments it’s hard to remember that I don’t just annoy everyone with my presence. It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to find motivation to do anything. Sometimes I’m amazed with my self in that I’ve kept up with so many things, juggling so many moving parts for so long because some days I simply can’t attend to anything but myself. Yesterday was one of those days, even if I did get a minimal amount of work done. So I guess that’s my only point for today. There may be days when you can only attend to yourself, and that’s ok. I’ve no doubt you’re doing the best that you can.