Everything feels old, decrepit, broken


I can’t sleep. I’m anxious because I’m getting no sleep, so it’s harder to fall asleep. So I do what you’re supposed to do, stop checking your phone and get out of bed, but it’s 3 am here now and that doesn’t help because I have to get up at 6:30. I know I’m going to be exhausted and anxious today at work and sometimes it all just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m so exhausted all the time and even though most days with my anxiety are manageable, everything inevitably comes to a screeching halt periodically, like it did tonight.

My thoughts race when I try to sleep. I find it difficult to swallow. I worry that I’m choking. It feels hard to breathe. My chest feels wrong. My hands feel numb and cold, sort of shaky. I think about all the things I have to do today, this week, this month, the rest of this year and I just get so tired.

I decide to get up and try to be productive, try to do some work, but my brain is not currently capable of doing the type of work that would be helpful for me to get done. So I try to read, but everything I read seems upsetting and unsettling.

I do think I have a predisposition to anxiety, but I also think my living environment greatly contributes to it… feeling as though I need to walk on eggshells all the time I don’t know. I’m managing the best I can, I guess, even though at times it doesn’t seem like it’s working for me. I try to do what will feel good to me, but it’s hard when you’re already in the headspace where nothing really feels good.

And then I think, well I should be happy because I passed my comprehensive exams with no revisions, first try. Successfully defended them. But at this moment at 3 am that seems very far away, as if someone else did it entirely.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s