I’m leaving for Seattle in a few hours to present at a conference. I would have liked to have had more time to prepare, but it is what it is. Dissertation is such a lonely and isolating process, it’s unreal. You do receive help from your committee and mentors for sure… but, everything really all comes down to you. Waiting is the hardest part, you can do everything right and still have to wait weeks/months to receive feedback. I understand everyone is so busy and has so many responsibilities, it’s just hard when you really want to do a good job and also just get done.
I got caught up on much of my work though, so I should hopefully be able to just enjoy the conference and Seattle this weekend. I present early on, so it’s good that I’ll get that out of the way and hopefully have a weekend of relaxing in a cool city with some academic presentations peppered in. It’s also hard to feel like you always have to be “on.” Usually I’m comfortable with just being myself, but when I meet people for the first time that’s hard for me to do. So … being “someone else” takes a bunch of energy that I already often don’t have because of anxiety. Mostly though, this semester my anxiety has been in check except for one week that was awful. So I guess I’m pretty proud of that. That I have been able to function much better than I anticipated. The prospect of teaching three new classes at once still scares the hell out of me, but hopefully with my adjunct experience that will never happen and I’ll always at least teach one course that I’ve taught before so I can further hone it and make it my own.
This was rambly. I’m rambly today… but wanted to keep to my blogging once a week. I have to get ready to head to the airport. I will bring work but I also plan to do some pleasure reading (Women Who Run With The Wolves). Last night I dreamt of my wolf baby (rescue dog, Luna) who passed. It was wonderful, and even though I’m not usually spiritual, sometimes I do believe that you can be visited by people and beings in your dreams.