Peace

That’s really all I want.

Nothing has been reinforced more in 2019 for me than that. I just want to live in a tension free environment and be around people who are transparent. My experiences growing up definitely taught me that money can get you a lot of things, but it can’t give you peace. You create that by who you allow to be close to you. And I’ve definitely thinned my tribe this year. I’m good with most of my choices.

Money can’t buy you some experiences you may not have otherwise had, but it means nothing if you don’t share them with people you truly have a connection with. I don’t want confusion. Games. Smoke and mirrors. I want and have true friends. I wouldn’t mind living in a small apartment in a safe area, so long as I wouldn’t have to worry about the person I’m living with being volatile. I no longer accept that kind of energy and I’m so happy that I’m dismissing bullshit and creating the life I want for myself. I don’t allow people to take advantage of me anymore. And I don’t allow emotional games to be brought into my space. I’m so done with that. I surround myself with people who genuinely want me to succeed, who aren’t just trying to associate themselves with me and have me do all the work… I’m around people who actually care about me and my emotional well-being and who aren’t just trying to use me. I’m guarding my peace now more than I ever have before. Living with tension for so long has taken a toll but I’m undoing that damage. And it’s beautiful. And I’m so happy.

Even through the stress with my dissertation when the people I talk to regularly show me what it’s like to be TRULY cared for and not manipulated … it’s like a weight has been lifted. It’s like I can feel the compounded sickness, trauma, and tension dissipating within me and dissolving into nothing.

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