Let’s just start by saying relational trauma is a thing. And it can make connecting with people especially hard.
I realize that certain tendencies within myself are trauma responses. My tendency to clean when I’m anxious and don’t feel well. Why do kids who grow up in unstable environments feel the need to be perfect ? SO THAT THEY TAKE UP NO SPACE AND CAN GO UNNOTICED, as if they need no help. That’s why. And then the tendency to try to take up no space carries on into adulthood. Oh yes it does. And if you’re not careful you will spend copious amounts of energy trying to literally or metaphorically “clean” up your space so it looks like you don’t exist. This could look like perfect grades, being afraid to leave messes, being afraid to leave your space looking like it’s “lived in” either at school, work, or home. All of this became so clear to me recently.
And the poem above sort of speaks to. Idk. Those stupid nights you lose because of trauma. Trauma allows you to blame yourself for other people sucking. Try to wake up. Deep down, you’ve always known it’s not you. It’s them.