A Heavy Heart

Today started off very poorly for me. I spoke with a very good friend of mine who resides in Belize. His wife is pregnant. He shared with me that he was told there are six ventilators in the entire country. Let that sink in.


That is a very sobering reality. I can’t fathom it. A country full of nearly 400,000 people? And even if there were more ventilators… would there be enough trained professionals to operate and monitor them? I had to stop myself from thinking about it.

I know that the world is going through a united trauma right now, but I can’t help but lament that certain groups of people in certain parts of the world are likely to be hit much harder with much less aid. I think I’ve been managing relatively well up until very recently. I have to stop myself from obsessing about the realities facing certain people because then otherwise I feel helpless/hopeless. I appreciate knowing the truth, I really do… but I just can’t focus on it for very long.

I try to be grateful for what I have. I’ve been hibernating, sort of, and trying to get as much work done as I can during this time. I try to remind myself of this graphic that I saw on Facebook, which said something to the effect of:

You’re not working from home, you’re going through a global pandemic and trying to work.

I’m grateful that I have a job. I’m grateful that I don’t currently have to worry about money or resources… I know other people in the world are far less lucky, and I guess the only real thing I can do right now is perhaps donate food and pray. That feels like so little though… and I’ve just started to recognize now angry I am about so, so many things, in my personal life and globally. We could have been so much more prepared for this. So much more prepared… needless death is something I have a very hard time with.

That’s one thing that’ll hit you really hard in the “spiritual” gut. It’s hard to grapple with, why bad things happen to good people, and thinking about how it likely could have been prevented in many cases. I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason.” I hate that saying, absolutely abhor it. No, there’s not some greater deeper reason that a particular person “had” to die during this pandemic… try telling the contrary to a surviving family member of someone who passed from the virus. I just do not subscribe to that line of thinking. I can’t. And that doesn’t mean I’m not spiritual, but it just seems so invalidating of other’s pain and I refuse to do that.

So try to find peace in mundane daily activities you may have taken for granted. I, for one, am so so grateful I can breathe well after reading this article. Believe me, this article isn’t for the faint of heart… but if you’re like me, I always want to know exactly what I’m dealing with. And, well, there you go. A terrifying reality is facing the world right now. Try to appreciate the sunshine, the breath in your lungs, the friends that you have, your health… everything that people take for granted. I don’t think I will take these things for granted ever again.

Much love to you


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