I’ve absolutely had it today

As if teaching online isn’t anxiety-inducing enough. My Internet was cutting in and out so I couldn’t even lecture properly or have the discussions along the way that I wanted to. Thank God the Internet worked for the first bit while we were discussing articles.

My anxiety is usually so well under control and managed, but tonight I have had the first anxiety-induced headache that I have had in I don’t know how long… likely over a year. That’s saying something. I used to have daily panic attacks. DAILY. So I was used to this pain/hollow feeling in my head for a long time. I didn’t miss it–let me tell you.

Today, I didn’t exactly panic or anything close to that, but I do feel like I rushed through my content when the connection was good so that I could just get through it, because I wasn’t sure when it would go out again. We weren’t able to discuss how I wanted to and I just feel embarrassed. Next week I’m going to work from “work” (an empty office) where the Internet will hopefully be better.

It didn’t get to the point of panic tonight (and I didn’t think it would), but I’m just so angry. I try so hard. I know that I am affected by this so much because I want to do a good job, but that doesn’t make me feel any better in the moment. I know I don’t control how the Internet does or does not work in my house. It was fine last week when I taught. Intellectually, I know the Internet not working doesn’t signal that I’m doing a bad job and rather just signals that on outside force prevented me from doing a good job… but I’m just so angry. I know there are worse things in the world right now other than my class not going how I wanted it to go. But, as a new professor during a global crisis, I’m trying to be there for my students and deliver some type of experience that may actually be helpful.

I’m just over today.

I hope you’re well.


5 thoughts on “I’ve absolutely had it today

  1. Praying for a restful night and better day tomorrow. May the love of Jesus touch your heart and lighten your soul.


    Buy Don’s book on Amazon or Amazon Kindle. here. “Becoming a Whole-Life Follower of Jesus – and living life with Eternity in View” The print version is also available on Etsy. here The print version is in a 6″ x 9″, spiral-bound study version with free shipping.

    Don Farr Director National Consulting/Coaching Services Scottsdale, Arizona Cell: 602 228 9626

    Please reply ONLY to… dfarr@ncs-az.net Sent from Don’s iPhone


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel your pain…I “retired” twenty-nine years ago, but have continued to teach in various interim positions. This year, it’s fourth grade science and social studies and I too am caught teaching from home using technology that is many times beyond my understanding. I too have had internet problems and it’s so very frustrating know there’s little or nothing that I can do to remedy it. At this point, I’m thinking I’ll do the best that I can and leave the rest up to God….May peaceful rest be with you this night and may your tomorrow be better…. – Mr. Moser – North Carolina

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. I feel you. I can’t imagine what it’s like teaching youngsters online… sigh. I’m teaching a master’s level counseling course and it’s just… UGH. I’m struggling, for sure.


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