I’ve absolutely had it today

As if teaching online isn’t anxiety-inducing enough. My Internet was cutting in and out so I couldn’t even lecture properly or have the discussions along the way that I wanted to. Thank God the Internet worked for the first bit while we were discussing articles.

My anxiety is usually so well under control and managed, but tonight I have had the first anxiety-induced headache that I have had in I don’t know how long… likely over a year. That’s saying something. I used to have daily panic attacks. DAILY. So I was used to this pain/hollow feeling in my head for a long time. I didn’t miss it–let me tell you.

Today, I didn’t exactly panic or anything close to that, but I do feel like I rushed through my content when the connection was good so that I could just get through it, because I wasn’t sure when it would go out again. We weren’t able to discuss how I wanted to and I just feel embarrassed. Next week I’m going to work from “work” (an empty office) where the Internet will hopefully be better.

It didn’t get to the point of panic tonight (and I didn’t think it would), but I’m just so angry. I try so hard. I know that I am affected by this so much because I want to do a good job, but that doesn’t make me feel any better in the moment. I know I don’t control how the Internet does or does not work in my house. It was fine last week when I taught. Intellectually, I know the Internet not working doesn’t signal that I’m doing a bad job and rather just signals that on outside force prevented me from doing a good job… but I’m just so angry. I know there are worse things in the world right now other than my class not going how I wanted it to go. But, as a new professor during a global crisis, I’m trying to be there for my students and deliver some type of experience that may actually be helpful.

I’m just over today.

I hope you’re well.

Natalie