Your Signature

Cleaning my room

I came across your signature

Claiming a coloring book.

Claiming me.

There was a time

I would have held on

Felt sentimental

Unable to part with such an artifact

Instead of acknowledging

Deceit

Manipulation

How I likely wouldn’t have lost myself

as far

if it weren’t for you.

Straight in the trash it went today

Along with the memories

throwing knives

subsequent scars

your obsession with my looks

or rather

how I almost

looked like your celeb crush

“If only you were just … a little more … “

something

Better able to smell horse shit from a mile away?

You taught me that.

Cleaning can be so liberating. It’s so amazing how resilient people can be. I’m so much stronger than I used to be and so less likely to allow people to treat me badly or try to seek out the affection of unavailable people.

It’s only been a couple of days since I submitted final grades for the semester. I got a good night’s sleep last night, swam 50 laps today along with going for a couple mile walk. I felt great physically … and I can feel my desire to create and write returning full force. It’s… amazing. Like coming back to myself. I really have to try hard not to allow it to take a back seat during the semester. I’ve starting searching for literary journals for a short story I have finished and I need to start creating a routine for making progress on my novel this summer. I’m so hopeful about that. I’ve never allowed myself to hope for something as outlandish as finishing a book and actually having people read it, but it’s something I’ve always wanted. I’m going to try to make it happen this summer and maybe cataloging my progress on here will keep me accountable. I’d also like to reinstate making youtube videos if I get brave again ^_^. Hope all of you are well.

❤ Natalie