Welp.

Found out this week I won’t be teaching a class I spent hours preparing for due to enrollment issues. I know this isn’t an anomaly or personal but … it just touches on everything I’ve been working on lately and it doesn’t feel good.

I hate feeling like I’ve wasted time that I could have devoted to the new course I’m constructing.

I hate feeling like it could have been prevented by just letting me know that this was a possibility and I could’ve gotten a heads up.

I suppose the universe puts things in your path that provide you the opportunity to put your “stuff” into practice … for me that includes, I guess, acknowledging that I can’t control everything and trying to have the confidence that I’ll figure everything out this semester just like I always do. Even if it looks way different than what I thought it would look like.

It also kind of gets to that scheduling thing. I HATE schedule changes. This is one of the main reasons sometimes I think I’m on the spectrum. Like. I used to melt down. COMPLETELY as a child if I was told one event would happen and then we had to switch it with something else or it was now going to be later in the day or something… anything deviating from the original plan would cause me like physical distress. My chest and stomach still sometimes hurt when changes like this occur. I like know what’s coming at me, and if that changes it’s not just a minor annoyance like I assume it would be for most people. It’s like. I feel unsafe. Literally. I feel like I have no mooring and don’t know what’s going on. I know it’s not rational, but it’s what happens. I hate it. I’ve learned to deal with it. But. Yeah.

So all of that goodness got brought up this week. I just get more practice recognizing that schedule changes don’t signal death even if my heart palpitates 😉

How do you handle schedule changes ? Or timing of things? Is a change of plans no big deal to you (timing and or people in attendance) ?

I’m very impatient. I time things very well. Sometimes down to the minute and have had to try to let go of my irritation when other people don’t. Lol. I HATE wishy washy plans or confusion around planning events.

What sometimes helps me is asking concrete questions like

I’ll need to know where I’m expected to be at what time please.

Or if all else fails I’ll just inform people what I’m going to do and apologize later lol. Sometimes it gets to that point that I’m too overwhelmed and can’t wait on someone to make a decision. Or I’ll back out/saying I’ll need to reschedule. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Most things aren’t the end of the world I’ve learned.

Much love

Natalie

4 thoughts on “Welp.

  1. This was interesting to read. It’s great that you managed to find some source of positivity/optimism amidst all that! Honestly that would really be frustrating to spend all that time and have it wasted in a single email just like that. I mean it threatens to diminish your whole sense of purpose and meaning in your work/life.

    “I suppose the universe puts things in your path that provide you the opportunity to put your “stuff” into practice”

    This is something that really helps me with ERP practice with OCD. The more chaotic or ‘imperfect’ the situation, the more of an opportunity to practice it is :). It’s kind of like gamifying the situation—

    “I bet you can’t deal with this one, then Robin”
    “Oh yeah? Fuck off”

    I really agreed with your last paragraph. I reached the same conclusions myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah it did really mess with my mind a bit at first and then all my core wounds of not being valuable popped up briefly until I was like nope. Shut that shit down- it’s not about you at all.

      I love kind of that challenge you mentioned at the end of your comment. Like fuck you im doing this. Lol. I do find anger can dissipate my anxiety, so that helps. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

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