Update/Free Write

I don’t believe I’ve ever tried to so hard to heal myself. I can feel it in my body. I know what it needs, better food, more water, more movement… but also something deeper that I can only get without isolating myself. And that’s to be really seen. Witnessed. In the fullness of myself. Getting feedback from other people. My therapist of many years recently said something to me that sucker punched me: “What would you have to face if you owned that you’re actually a catch and attractive? That you have it going on and people see it?” I couldn’t come up with an answer. I didn’t consciously recognize anything I had been avoiding. And she answered for me: “You’d have to face your fear head on of actually being seen/present/intimate with someone and allowing yourself to get your needs met. It’s safer not to. There’d be nothing holding you back from connecting with people and your shield would be gone. It’s easier to think you’re unattractive and people don’t want you in any sense, not just relationship-wise. It’s a wall.” And I’ve been grappling with that ever since.

I know my despair has been stored in my body. I can feel it. I can feel it leaving. I felt it leaving bit by bit while I was getting my monthly massage this week. As she pressed into my body I could feel things being released, things that had nothing to do with only muscle tension. I started to write in my mind. I started to see images of the sea, I started to feel the sea… and then lost track of what the separation was between it and myself.

I actually slept well last night for the first time in probably months. And then I woke up, forced myself to drink water and write creatively for an hour before I give my time to anyone else or any other task. Even if I can’t do this every day, I still want to try to do it a couple times a week in the summer. In so many ways I’ve been betraying myself and not allowing myself to get what I need. Not just from other people, but from myself too.

I didn’t post pictures of the sea for the last few Saturdays, and that has scared me, because I think it shows what a dark place I have been in. But I am coming out, a lot quicker than I might have in the past, but not unscarred. Those scars though, are of my own doing and my own neglect of myself. Because if I wasn’t neglecting myself I could have saved myself from a lot of the pain over the recent months.

I’ll be heading to the sea again this summer. Twice. And it’ll be amazing… maybe three times. I don’t much believe in astrology, but it’s interesting being an Aquarius, because the “water bearer” is actually an air sign. I’m not quite sure how that works, but it seems to fit for me–the need for self expression and freedom. I looked it up and aquarius stands for “essential nutrients to the earth.” Yeah. I’ll own that.

My goal is to hopefully finish at least one short story this summer to a submit to a literary magazine… we’ll see how that goes.

Anyway, that’s an update and I will resume Seascape Saturdays šŸ™‚

Much love,

Natalie

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