Even though I’ve intuitively known this… going through it my self has made it that much more real, and interesting.
To heal from relational trauma, you have to grieve. May seem like, well, d’uh. But you might not realize all you have to grieve. It’s not just a recent relationship. It’s what you didn’t get that you needed from your parents. A missed opportunity in childhood to connect. To hone discernment. Of what’s for you and what’s not, because you didn’t have a safe springboard from which to explore, so you became who you had to, not who you might have been, just to survive.
This likely also explains my anger lately. I’m angry. About everything. But it’s probably just processing the unfairness of not having what I needed and that translating into me accepting shitty treatment from people at work and beyond. I don’t do that anymore, or, I try to stand up for myself a lot more than I used to, but it’s still exhausting.
The CPTSD book I’m reading by Pete Walker has been helpful. Some of the content I’ve “known,” but just never really applied to myself, so in some ways it’s like hearing it for the first time. I need to allow myself to be sad/cry and get angry so I can build back the assertiveness, emoting, and self assurance I wasn’t encouraged to develop while growing up.
Simple in theory, difficult in practice. I’m putting myself first in more ways than ever before. And while I started off feeling guilty about it… that’s dwindling.