I think my anxiety posts every Wednesday have naturally sort of evolved into other topics being incorporated. So, I think I’m going to shift the title/tag to “Wellness Wednesday,” which seems more inclusive and encompassing everything that goes along with my struggle with anxiety.
For my program, it just so happens that April is a month of many presentations. I have a lot of presentations I have to give in classes as well as one conference presentation at the end of the month in Phili. Anyway, anxiety has not come up for me so much lately, though I was a little breathy while presenting last night in class. I didn’t so much experience a “panic” though, that I sometimes would. And I actually did not leave the class with a headache. I worked out after, practicing muay thai, with a cohort member who has been doing it for years. We ran for 10 minutes and then when I was doing the “burn out” at the end of the boxing session he reminded me to hold my arms above my head and force myself to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth (though out through nose is more controlled). My heart rate was forced to slow. Believe me, if you’ve struggled with panic in the past, being out of breath and panting while boxing can sometimes mimic that panic, so it is at least nice to know that I am able to regulate my own breathing and heart if I try.
I haven’t been very conscious of my anxiety lately, I think it has been more so manifesting in depression because of the gloomy weather and spring trying to come to the Pittsburgh area, but not quite getting there yet. This time of year is always particularly hard for me because I so enjoy being outside. It is hard for me to get out of bed, I just want to sleep and feel overwhelmed with everything looming on my plate. There is always something I feel like I should be working on, so in turn I often end up doing nothing and fill free time with just sleeping, but I always feel tired. I do try to exercise, but it is so hard to find the motivation.
I also sort of noticed that I used to take selfies of myself, sort of artsy ones. And for the past few years I totally stopped doing that. That makes me sad, and I think it’s just another symptom/indication that I don’t like how I look and don’t want to think about it. I was thinking about trying to post selfies at least once a week, so maybe I’ll try to start something like that. We’ll see. I try to do things that make me feel good about myself, like doing my nails and makeup for fun, but lately those things have been becoming a chore and a lot of days I get frustrated getting dressed because I think I just look fat in everything and just want to wear something baggy. So I just keep wearing the same things over and over. I’m going to try to break that habit too. Maybe I’ll try to challenge myself to take some pictures of my outfits like twice a week or something.
Eternal Ocean of Words 