My dissertation defense date is set. I was agonizing over whether it would happen or not… and it will happen over Zoom. I can’t help but be cynical about the timing, like, OF COURSE that would happen to me… such an anticlimactic finish to my PhD program… I won’t get to stand at a podium and nervously wait outside while my committee discusses everything and then welcomes me back in as Dr.
I’m trying to remain positive, this is a good thing and there will be time to celebrate later, but it’s difficult after working so hard, getting all psyched up, and then to have the tradition changed. I’m sure I’m not the only ZOOM PhD person, but it still isn’t what I had hoped for.
It feels strange… feeling so stagnant and confined during Spring. I was so so excited for this Spring and now… I feel like the whole world is on hold. I’m trying to more forward and make progress, but the air around me feels like I’m moving through molasses and a lot feels futile.
I had a random deep conversation at 2 am with one of my best friends last night via text. This always seems to happen to us. She’s way more spiritual/connected to God than I am. I pretty much only thank a higher power for friends and family whenever I pray and confessed that I probably only felt connected, maybe one day in my life despite concerted effort for a while. She was telling me that God would want a close relationship with me. And I think that’s hard for me to fathom at all, when I didn’t have closeness modeled for me growing up… in any sense.
I’ve struggled with many things, but one thing in particular was laid bare for me last night during this conversation… it was that well, if I believe a higher power to exist (which I do most days), I struggle with any connection with it, solely because it didn’t protect me from a lot of bad things early on in my life. It’s hard for me to reconcile. I hadn’t really consciously thought about it, but that’s likely part of the reason for a lot of my restlessness lately as I prepare to close a lot of chapters in my life and move on.
Are there things you struggle with spiritually? Did you once feel connected than abandoned? Or have you never really felt connected? Normally I don’t think much about this stuff, but I don’t believe in coincidences… there’s some reason why it’s coming up for me now.
Much love to you.
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Also check out this blog I wrote about warding off depression during quarantine! Super important.